Suicide of a Drama Queen
You don't just wake up one day and decide to commit suicide. When I started popping pills I thought it was just because he had dumped me but that's just not the case. I knew when I got into this relationship that it wouldn't last. I even thought about ending it several times over the last year. We just didn't click anymore. It's just the rejection hurts so much even though I know it's the truth. This temporary problem; a flicker of pain in the moment is not the reason I'm doing this. Why my eyes have gotten weary and I can feel all my troubles slipping away. Dying gives you more time to think about your life than you would think.
It all started when I was eight. My plans for suicide that is. I was too young to be depressed but I could tell that a lot of the older people were sad. Old people are always sad and I'm pretty sure that's a rule. Sure you will tell me about how you know this one guy has more wrinkles on his face than teeth in his mouth and he always has a kind word and a near toothless grin for you. I'll tell you that he some times sits at home and cries. With a bottle of sixty proof wiskey and gun cleaning kit. Alcohol and gun cleaning kits never lead to happy endings. They usually lead to an eight year old stumbling into her grandpa's bedroom and finding that most of grandpa's brain matter is drying on the ceiling.
But, that's not where the path ends or even what I'm getting at. Pay attention or you might miss this one.
The present is never all that bad. You can sit there in that comfy chair and look at how things aren't that bad right now. There might be moments of insecurity, fear, anger, or simple annoyance. All these things pass. If you don't have the coping skills, these things just build up. All the stresses of a lifetime weigh down on your shoulders. But, in an instant that moment is gone and it's almost like starting over again. The present is safe.
The past. The future. Those places are dangerous to stay in for very long without feeling the tugs of depression. I don't have that problem. Never have. At least I don't try to linger on the problem for long if I do have it. Or maybe I do. I don't know anymore. I used to think that I had great coping skills but then I find my self focusing on a bad test I had a week ago. Grownups don't make it easier. Their so very sad and they want to make you sad and somber like them. They will tell you all about the responcibilities you'll have to face until you believe them. They tell you how great you have it right now, and how much harder it gets. Well, right now SUCKS!!
I don't want to hear about your golden days or how things were all grand for you back when you were my age. You expect me to believe you when you say that you "know" what I'm going through. Hardly! You seem to think you know what is best for me but how is this even possible when you don't know that the toughest time for me is just a few moments ago and the pain of tommorow. Either you forgot how it was or you just don't want to think about it. You're thinking about how it'll all go away in time, but that's not soon enough.
I want the pain gone now. I want you to know how I'm feeling. I'll make you pay attention to me. I don't want to die but you've hardly given me the choice.
Choices. Certainly there are many ways to commit suicide. Why are there so many ways to off yourself off if we aren't supposed to do it. Human preservation only goes so far; we're bound to blunder into a few of these just by accident.
I can jump off a cliff and feel the air cutting through my clother... fly for a flickering moment. They would see me standing so high and cry out not to jump. I'd laugh at them so far below me like ants and leap to join them. But, I'm a bit scared of heights so that won't do at all.
Hanging myself in my room would send the message. Mom and then dad would come in and see me hanging there and care about me. Attention unwavering. That will show them that I mean what I'm saying. Then again, I got the wind knocked out of me last week. I don't think I want to die like that... with no air in my lungs.
I thought about getting a gun and ending it all in a moment. Then I thought about the mess... like Ewww! It's just not something you want to think about. A little girl finding her Grandfather.
Sleeping pills! Lots of 'em! It's quick simple, and there isn't a lot of mess to clean up. I'll just go to sleep and never wake up. Let the world go on around me, and I can sleep forever. He would cry for me then. Cry for me to wake up and come out again.
I wake with my head acheing and my throat so dry I can't swallow. My eyes are blurred over and I don't want to open them because of my head ache. Damn I see so bright with my eyes closed. I don't dare open them against the brightness. The pain so white in front of my closed eyes. I reach out with a hand to steady myself only to find I'm still lying down. I roll over on my side and the room seems to shift suddenly under me. God no! I vomit. My whole body lurches and spasms. I vomit until the pills I swallowed cover my bed and floor. Suicide on the blanket. Suicide on the floor. Suicide no more.
It all started when I was eight. My plans for suicide that is. I was too young to be depressed but I could tell that a lot of the older people were sad. Old people are always sad and I'm pretty sure that's a rule. Sure you will tell me about how you know this one guy has more wrinkles on his face than teeth in his mouth and he always has a kind word and a near toothless grin for you. I'll tell you that he some times sits at home and cries. With a bottle of sixty proof wiskey and gun cleaning kit. Alcohol and gun cleaning kits never lead to happy endings. They usually lead to an eight year old stumbling into her grandpa's bedroom and finding that most of grandpa's brain matter is drying on the ceiling.
But, that's not where the path ends or even what I'm getting at. Pay attention or you might miss this one.
The present is never all that bad. You can sit there in that comfy chair and look at how things aren't that bad right now. There might be moments of insecurity, fear, anger, or simple annoyance. All these things pass. If you don't have the coping skills, these things just build up. All the stresses of a lifetime weigh down on your shoulders. But, in an instant that moment is gone and it's almost like starting over again. The present is safe.
The past. The future. Those places are dangerous to stay in for very long without feeling the tugs of depression. I don't have that problem. Never have. At least I don't try to linger on the problem for long if I do have it. Or maybe I do. I don't know anymore. I used to think that I had great coping skills but then I find my self focusing on a bad test I had a week ago. Grownups don't make it easier. Their so very sad and they want to make you sad and somber like them. They will tell you all about the responcibilities you'll have to face until you believe them. They tell you how great you have it right now, and how much harder it gets. Well, right now SUCKS!!
I don't want to hear about your golden days or how things were all grand for you back when you were my age. You expect me to believe you when you say that you "know" what I'm going through. Hardly! You seem to think you know what is best for me but how is this even possible when you don't know that the toughest time for me is just a few moments ago and the pain of tommorow. Either you forgot how it was or you just don't want to think about it. You're thinking about how it'll all go away in time, but that's not soon enough.
I want the pain gone now. I want you to know how I'm feeling. I'll make you pay attention to me. I don't want to die but you've hardly given me the choice.
Choices. Certainly there are many ways to commit suicide. Why are there so many ways to off yourself off if we aren't supposed to do it. Human preservation only goes so far; we're bound to blunder into a few of these just by accident.
I can jump off a cliff and feel the air cutting through my clother... fly for a flickering moment. They would see me standing so high and cry out not to jump. I'd laugh at them so far below me like ants and leap to join them. But, I'm a bit scared of heights so that won't do at all.
Hanging myself in my room would send the message. Mom and then dad would come in and see me hanging there and care about me. Attention unwavering. That will show them that I mean what I'm saying. Then again, I got the wind knocked out of me last week. I don't think I want to die like that... with no air in my lungs.
I thought about getting a gun and ending it all in a moment. Then I thought about the mess... like Ewww! It's just not something you want to think about. A little girl finding her Grandfather.
Sleeping pills! Lots of 'em! It's quick simple, and there isn't a lot of mess to clean up. I'll just go to sleep and never wake up. Let the world go on around me, and I can sleep forever. He would cry for me then. Cry for me to wake up and come out again.
I wake with my head acheing and my throat so dry I can't swallow. My eyes are blurred over and I don't want to open them because of my head ache. Damn I see so bright with my eyes closed. I don't dare open them against the brightness. The pain so white in front of my closed eyes. I reach out with a hand to steady myself only to find I'm still lying down. I roll over on my side and the room seems to shift suddenly under me. God no! I vomit. My whole body lurches and spasms. I vomit until the pills I swallowed cover my bed and floor. Suicide on the blanket. Suicide on the floor. Suicide no more.
posted by Goddamn Batman at 8:49 AM
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