Circles
It always come back to this. Have you ever had a day where everything sort of comes together? Like you're in the middle of a breakdown because of stress and then things just keep happening. School has been stressing me out and money has been stressing me out. My friends want too much from me and my life is falling apart at the edges. I thought I was ready for the adult swim. I thought it would be good to move out on my own, but suddenly my roommates can't be counted on. I have to be self sufficiant but I can't possibly afford an apartment by myself. Which means that I'll have to live at home some more, which means I'll have to drive every day for almost two hours a day!
The schedule made me almost flip last semester and I finally needed to be in one town for a while. I enjoy the change of scenery, hell I love to drive. But, I'm living in at least two towns. I family in one town and a bed. Friends in the other town and school. I tried to keep these two things balanced but they refuse to balance.
Today I was late to school and the vindictive teacher told me she didn't know if she would accept the paper since it was late. Late? I was thirty minutes late. I did the work, I turned it in on time. But, I have to suffer because you are on some kind of messed up power trip.
On the way to my car the one guy I can't stand tries to make small talk. This guy spread lies about me and tried to ruin my life. I don't mind a lie. I don't hold grudges for long but I refuse to let this one go. It takes a lot to offend me, and this guy stepped over the line. He doesn't seem to know that I hate him, that my stomach turns whenever I see him and my mind races with interesting ways of finishing him off. He smiles and says the right things but I won't ever trust him again. I will never let my guard down around him.
I didn't do bad movie night. It really shouldn't be a big deal... my mind is numb and the heat is making it so I can't think straight. I just needed to go home and think. Be alone with my thoughts.
Finally, my first love sent me a message on myspace. Out of the blue. She's married now... I don't know what to do. It had to be today. I just need to last one more week and this class will be over. Non-Con is in Virginia and I'm missing it because of lack of money and a paper I have due in the class. I'm really losing my mind because I seem to be letting everyone down. But, there she is... the only person I know loved me for me. It didn't last long... she went away but I still think about her. It's been five years now and I don't go for more than a day without thinking about her. I want to run, just delete the e-mail and forget that it was ever sent. I don't want to face the pain and hurt in knowing that the only person I truely love is never going to return the feeling. I've had other girlfriends since her, longer relationships, but she saw me when I was at my worse. I had bad acne and my legs were just not cutting it. She loved me, looked me right in the eye and told me that she loved me in such a way that no one has ever repeated.
I don't think she realized how much she made me feel and how much not having her makes me hurt. Even now, well... 30 minutes ago I was only having a rough day. Now I feel like I'm dying. What do you say to someone you haven't talked to in over a year but you're still in love with? Someone who has married and only remembers you as a couple of summer dates. I've become a cynic about love and relationships since her. I had a few bad relationships and I raised my shields. No one will hurt me again because I don't expect a good relationship. I try not to have any expectations and just realize that things will probably end badly. Just to accept those kind of things and move on. She could hurt me though. She could control me. She could use me. What do I do now? Face every thing head on like I have been or run because you don't want to feel pain anymore.
The schedule made me almost flip last semester and I finally needed to be in one town for a while. I enjoy the change of scenery, hell I love to drive. But, I'm living in at least two towns. I family in one town and a bed. Friends in the other town and school. I tried to keep these two things balanced but they refuse to balance.
Today I was late to school and the vindictive teacher told me she didn't know if she would accept the paper since it was late. Late? I was thirty minutes late. I did the work, I turned it in on time. But, I have to suffer because you are on some kind of messed up power trip.
On the way to my car the one guy I can't stand tries to make small talk. This guy spread lies about me and tried to ruin my life. I don't mind a lie. I don't hold grudges for long but I refuse to let this one go. It takes a lot to offend me, and this guy stepped over the line. He doesn't seem to know that I hate him, that my stomach turns whenever I see him and my mind races with interesting ways of finishing him off. He smiles and says the right things but I won't ever trust him again. I will never let my guard down around him.
I didn't do bad movie night. It really shouldn't be a big deal... my mind is numb and the heat is making it so I can't think straight. I just needed to go home and think. Be alone with my thoughts.
Finally, my first love sent me a message on myspace. Out of the blue. She's married now... I don't know what to do. It had to be today. I just need to last one more week and this class will be over. Non-Con is in Virginia and I'm missing it because of lack of money and a paper I have due in the class. I'm really losing my mind because I seem to be letting everyone down. But, there she is... the only person I know loved me for me. It didn't last long... she went away but I still think about her. It's been five years now and I don't go for more than a day without thinking about her. I want to run, just delete the e-mail and forget that it was ever sent. I don't want to face the pain and hurt in knowing that the only person I truely love is never going to return the feeling. I've had other girlfriends since her, longer relationships, but she saw me when I was at my worse. I had bad acne and my legs were just not cutting it. She loved me, looked me right in the eye and told me that she loved me in such a way that no one has ever repeated.
I don't think she realized how much she made me feel and how much not having her makes me hurt. Even now, well... 30 minutes ago I was only having a rough day. Now I feel like I'm dying. What do you say to someone you haven't talked to in over a year but you're still in love with? Someone who has married and only remembers you as a couple of summer dates. I've become a cynic about love and relationships since her. I had a few bad relationships and I raised my shields. No one will hurt me again because I don't expect a good relationship. I try not to have any expectations and just realize that things will probably end badly. Just to accept those kind of things and move on. She could hurt me though. She could control me. She could use me. What do I do now? Face every thing head on like I have been or run because you don't want to feel pain anymore.
posted by Goddamn Batman at 12:00 AM
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