I'm thinking

These words are to try and work out a way for me to be happy.

I'm not happy. And, I can never seem to make myself happy. It always seems to be the actions of others that make me feel better. A plan that relies on the actions of others is bound to fail. I set a count down to change my life about 3 years ago. That if I couldn't find something to make me happy that I would end things. It's been almost 2 years. I've tried talking to a few people about it and I know it's dumb. But, I really can't take being sad all the time. I can't take being alone all the time. Maybe I need purpose. I need drive. I know these things to be true. Human beings were not built to be alone. We're designed to be more than ourselves. We only really work right when we are functioning for another's benefit. All I need is something small but in it's own right huge. I need someone to think I'm special. To care enough about me that they want to spend a little time talking to me, and a little time curled up with me. All I need is someone to sleep with... and not in the sexual way. I just don't wake up sad when I wake up with someone next to me. I wake up almost every morning wanting to vomit for being so sad. And, what really kills me is the hope of it all. If things were completely hopeless I could make a decision. But, with a hope here... and a hope there... AND ALWAYS THAT HOPE IS PULLED AWAY AT THE LAST SECOND! Leaving me off balance. Leaving me farther down the hole of misery. Instead of pulling my self out, inch by inch. I always reach for the tantilizing golden hand offered to me. Just once I want to be pulled up and free. Was I ever happy on my own? Why can't I find happiness? A plan that relies on others is bound to fail. So... today is for myself.