Veil of Broken Promises

 I go down into the darkness
A room that I know so well
Yet my mind tells me I've never been here
Everything is where I expect it to be
Nothing is where it should be

Reality shudders at my touch
The black door appears before me
Larger than it has any right to be
The black door fills the world
Edges rippling like flames that do not burn

Yet these the door consumes all
There is nothing left of the reality I know
Just me and the black door that fills the world
The black door that consumes the world
Empty and full, reality shutters under my footstep

There is a knock
Knock
Knock
Knock
The door groans in anticipation

I fulfill the function of the door
Open there is no one there
Just me and a reality consuming door
Stepping over that threshold I step into a room
A room I know but have never seen before

Wheelchair

I am tired of being lied to.  Ever since I've found myself in a wheelchair women have scorned me.  Why do people have to make excuses and try to pretend that they aren't awful people?  I haven't changed since my legs stopped working but I have lost all appeal.  Do you think your lies are for my benefit?  Fuck you. 

Admit that you judge me for not being able to walk.  Admit that God cursing me makes you feel uncomfortable so you look away.  Admit that your lies are for your own comfort and do not help me in the slightest.  Finally, admit that you preach acceptance but damn me for being born weak. 

Even my own family tells me to "date my own kind".  They claim I act like I'm too good to date a handicapped girl.  Well, there aren't any handicapped girls around to date but I really appreciate the close mindedness.  I will rise above your scorn.  My wheelchair will knock loose the foundation of your hypocrisy and shatter your unearned feelings of supremacy.  I'd rather die than let one more person judge me unworthy because of God's carelessness.  I will bring down the gates of Heaven themselves and rise above your judgment.  I will be recognized even if I have to die to have my words heard.

The Fall

I have fallen too far and you were the one who pushed me

Reaching out for what made me whole I get slapped away

Years later all I see are your shadows staining everything
Every moment comes away slick with your pollution

I haven't seen you for years but I still feel your breathing
Hot breath on my neck as every place we went together
Stained with your presence like ghosts dancing ahead
My mind has become infected with your goddamn ghost

Your smile, your touch, your golden tresses cascading
It's become sick darkness and it won't let me breathe
The fall rips everything from me but your oily stain
Clinging to my mind like the ghost you've become 

Locust

I'm so angry and upset, almost all the time lately.  I know most of it is anger at myself, my loneliness, and my failing legs.  It's hard not to redirect that rage at something that's a better target for a waterballoon filled with paint.  So, I ask... is stocking up on say half a dozen boxes of a kind of cereal that has a limited sale time invitation for people to eat it all since you didn't plan on eating it right away?  Is stocking up on anything just an invitation for people to eat your stuff?  I keep preparing a few months in advance and I have roommates that live for five minutes ago.  For instance, I buy a lot of toilet paper... because even if I'm unsure if I'm about to run out or not.. I can't imagine that there will come a time when I will take a shit and just won't feel like wiping.  They are constantly taking my rolls, eating my canned food, and draining my internet which I pay for.  I tell them that we need these if there was some kind of natural disaster.  And, straight faced they told me that we could just go to the store for food and water if something bad happened. 

I'm feeling like this is an ant and grasshopper situation... more like an ant and locust situation.  I'm going to have to keep everything in my room just so the locust don't get at it.  I have a locust problem and unfortunately they don't sell sprays for this kind of locust and I'd get in a lot more trouble for smashing one with my shoe.

Fatal Wound

This wound will not heal, it's become a empty space so voracious to be filled that it's begun to devour me.  No matter how much it takes, the bits of me do nothing to fill this void.

People who have never had to be lonely in there entire lives give the best advice on how I should deal with being lonely.  It's like taking advice about playing the violin from a fish.

The joke really is pervasive.  I was told that being a good person would result in better rewards in life than the cheap thrills of being a bad man.  As it turns out good guy's don't finish.

I've never hurt more than when I realize that the pain is never going to stop.  I don't want to live my life waiting for a salve that won't come or only comes when I'm too far gone to be healed by it.  What's the point in drinking the kool-aid when the message wasn't for me after all.  Is the only cure to my wound the sweet sleep that will take us all?  God I hope that that will finally take my pain away.

Seeds of Poison

I love a girl and isn't that what it's all about? To find that one person that makes you feel alive and let her rip out your heart. And you just watch as she stomps on it over and over again until there is nothing left but bloodstained regret running down the drain. The problem with emotions is that you can't turn them off. I love a girl and even though she is gone and long ago found someone else... I can't stop loving her. What is supposed to be a good emotion has been planted in my soul. The seed of love has not been tended properly and has turned against me. I feel a sickness growing in me day by day. What should have been given warm kisses and loving embraces has been replaced with dark rooms and ceaseless tears. Tears that do nothing to feel the void... they get absorbed into my soul as quickly as they are shed. Now the seed of love takes roots. Ripping deep into me but instead of warm feelings black tendrils creep. Taking what little there is of me. I wish I could be me again.

Dead Reign Character Sheet

Shit my Roommates Say

I've been trying to keep our kitchen stocked and storing water just in case of a disaster. One of my roommates said

"That's stupid, if there is a disaster we can just go get water at the store." Wow... just wow.

I tried to explain that a natural disaster would make it so we couldn't get to a store.

He then said "We don't live near any natural disasters" O_o

Hardly Sporting

I thought I knew what I was doing as I held your hand and told you that you were special. I thought I knew what I was doing when I spent so many nights gazing into your eyes and being entraced by your smile. I thought I knew what you were thinking as I was thinking that this was was going to last. It's hardly sporting that you didn't tell me what I told you. It's hardly sporting that you can change your mind about what I cannot. That I love you and you made me love you. And just like that I wake up alone and cold wondering what the fuck I was doing. Knowing that I had no idea what I was doing.

Waking up alone makes life hardly worth living.

Going to bed with you was all that kept me moving.

I'm frozen, broken , burnt and ash in your breath.

I'd like to write a word that didn't rhyme with death.

It's hardly sporting that you hit me from behind and expected me to ignore the blow. And, what was it again that I did besides treat you right? Is it you and not me? How tired is that tripe?

Sex Dream

I had a dream about you last night. You came into my room smiling and we held each other tightly like we hadn't seen eachother in a long time but with the familiarity that screamed with past lusts. Your blue eyes looked down into mine as the sun caught the golden curls tightly framing your face. The cold of morning brings gooseflesh to your arms that I kiss away with my warm lips. My hands slip under your shirt and feel your small breasts the nipples firm to the touch. I yearn to tear your clothes from your body and hold your naked form against me. And, as dreams are wont to do I find us now both without clothing. The pleasure of tearing them off off of you are denied to me by my own dream.
You are under me now your skin like white marble veined in pink but soft as rose petals under my fingertips. I kiss your legs feeling the muscles in your calves underneath tightly stretched as you lay on your back. I move down stroking your thighs with my lips and tounge. In my dream since you are to be a man you have a penis but your figure is not. I kiss your penis and in my dream this doesn't seem strange to me. It's flacid to the touch. Your body is hairless besides the fine hairs along your arms that lay sprawled above you as I explore with my mouth further upwards. Stopping to caress your torso with with my hands as I kiss you hips below your waist line. This brings soft sounds from your lips a moaning mewling that I've heard before. I move my hands down to hold your waist at their subtle curve while kissing all around your belly button. Your taut stomach is warm under my hands, firm against my mouth. Forward and upwards I move leading with gentle bites as my hands move back down to cradle your hindquarters.
I lift you upwards to meet my penis hard with anticipation and lust. My mouth finds the nape of your neck, I begin alternating between kissing and biting. You are so tight I can barely enter but I manage to slide in to you. Your passionate exclamation burns in my ears and causes my loins to tremble with nervousness and excitement. I begin to thrust slowly into you enjoying every sound that escapes your lips. As your mouth rests so close to mine I place mine over yours caressing your lips with my own. Tasting your mouth and eating your beautiful moans as they pass into mine. I move one hand away from your body to support my weight and feel your leg wrap around me into the small of my back. My other hand strokes down your other leg as I thust into you with more confidence. You reach out with your arms one hand behind my back where you dig your nails into my flesh and the other to grab my hair tightly. The passion of your grip brings a smile to my face and I press further into you. Your supple skin rubs softly against my flanks like silk as I slide in and out. Sweat beginst to bead up on your forehead and I kiss each drop away. The salty taste of your sweat begins to coat my lips, you turn your head up and we kiss again. Your moans reverberate through my lips and across my whole body Now the sweat begins to make our bodies slick together.
I feel your penis harden between us and this seems to surprise you. You tighten your grasp on me so that I lift you free from the matress an we rise and fall as one. My weight above you and yours under mine. We synch in a quickening rythym that causes my stomach to clench and fire begins to burn in my loins. My mind goes wild and I lose the pretense of being a selfless lover. I need to be buried deep inside of you. My thrusts begin to quicken and become erratic like your staggered and passionate breathing. Moving from a supportive position I put my weight down into you and wrap my arms behind your shoulder blades. I begin to thrust into you now with purpose and conviction. My every muscle being brought tight as I release into you as your scream is released into my ears. I go loose and lay my head onto your chest. Each breath raises your chest and I hear your heart pounding.

In my dream I love you.