Sunday, October 31, 2004

Self Destructive Behavior

So, what do I find my self doing on a saturday afternoon when I could be heading to one of two parties that I was invited to? Watching TV! I am so angry with my self with the kind of self destructive behaviors that I have found my self doing. When I could be doing school work, or writing my books I find my self watching tv, and sleeping. It seems that this school semester has left me longing to just not do anything when more then ever I have to study. Another mental barrier is suddenly I have almost a need to read some of the books I have set aside. I'm burning through books three at a time, and its normally a good hobby except that if I don't study I'll end up making a C in some of my classes. From today on I'm going to take a suggestion from one of my psychology teachers on how to relieve stress, and put it to practical use. I'm going to start making daily to-do lists and post them here. Then you can see me succeed or fail. Yay. Plus it will keep me from going a week with out putting my thoughts out onto the internet so anybody can read them.

Today's List (well, a little into the morning as well because it's 23:10 as we speak.)
Wash Dishes
Read One Chapter in Abnormal Psychology
Read one Chapter in Mass Media

Monday, October 25, 2004

Dime Novels Baby!

So, Blooger did some weird stuff to this post so nothing actually showed up and it published like 5 times. I deleted all but one for posterity so I could come back and edit it to say what I had originally meant to. It's about my sudden desire to read just about every book that I have. And, I have to wonder about the relatively obscure Shadowrun novels that I bought as many as I could for adventure ideas. I just finished a third one, and this has been the third really good one in a row. And, I know now that I must have them all! They aren't in print any more... heck the company that owned the rights to the game the books were based on have gone under. I wonder if the new owners of the game will put out books, and if they will license authors with enough skill to write good books. I have seen books based on game systems that have been total junk mostly because the author was a hack. Anyway it might be a little difficult to find these books because no regular books stores have them in stock any more, but I wonder if I hit enough used book stores I might be able to find them? It's worth a try... who wants to go used bookstore hopping with me across the country?

Friday, October 22, 2004

Younger Days

I met with my high school counselor to try and get an internship with a school psychologist. Her voice was the same, but she has really aged since the last time I saw her. She was trembling... old age really did a number on her in the year since I last saw her. How does someone age 10 years in such a short time?! Somehow it was like talking to a completely different person... the only thing that was the same were her eyes. Her eyes were her own, but they contained a defeated look that filled me with dispair. Made me think of my own mortality and I really don't know how to handle the nothing that is death. While trying to pinpoint what is life, and what is death... I've put a face on death. It's a tangible thing in my mind, and this is probably the worst way to think of death. Death isn't a evil and greedy spirit sucking the souls of the living into oblivion.
Death is a stopped watch.
Nothing... and sometimes nothing is scarier than something. Something you can fight. Beat your fists no matter how vainly, but nothing... why try? I wish I was young again so I wouldn't feel death on my shoulders with his black tongue wrapping around my neck. His bleached bone skeleton hands clutching at my fluttering heart!

Overly dramatic?
Probably.

Maybe the answer to the afterlife, or lack there of is simply to not worry about it. Life is a roller coaster... not the loops, and turns... it's the ride up that first hill... the click click clacking of metal on metal, your heart pounding in your ears as you top the ascent and plunge into the unknown. But, your already strapped in... nothing you could say or do keeps you from going over the edge. It's your choice if you go with your eyes clamped shut, fighting viciously against the harness, or with your hands in the air and your throat filled with the excitement of life.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Druid Tree

Not nearly as long as I wanted it to be... I might come back and touch this one up.

A brilliant point of light
In the forest dark, so bright
Bending, gnarled, ancient
The newborn crow sent
Messenger of dead limb
The sap of healing serum
Commander of broken root
Cloaked in bloody dirt
Her body gracefully moves
Nature’s bosom overflows
Comely face of moon flesh
Nature’s breath then sighs

Saturday, October 09, 2004

Saturday Morning Greens

Just feel icky this morning, but not quite blue. So I'm going to refer to my emotional state as green because I'm sure that I'll eventually feel blue on a saturday. And, then what?! The world could come crashing to it's knees, the National Forests of the world would combust, the Y2K virus would finally hit after sneakily waiting a few extra years, and Taco Bell would raise their prices.(Nooooo!!!!)

So, why do I feel like someone just kicked me in the stomach with a spiked shoe? Maybe because it's 11:30 and I still haven't made breakfast. My Journal should feel proud of it's self... I've only sent one e-mail, and one private message to someone on a forum I visit before heading here and getting to work. I wanted to post a poem that's been in my head for over a week, but I just can't! The picture that inspired me to think it is at a friends house so I might do that later today. I have a major paper and three other papers due monday that I really haven't started on. This could have something to do with the undue amount of stress. So maybe I should get cracking on that so I don't fail this easy class. I've also got to study horribly for two of my psychology classes which I should never have slacked off on. Normally I need 4 days tops to study for a test and make an A, but I know I didn't make an A on my last Abnormal Psychology test so I will start studying monday and begin reading the chapters twice before the test. I need A's this semester because I can't survive another year with no help from the Life scholarship or the loans will kill me when I get out.

Thursday, October 07, 2004

Heaven's Path

Here's part of a short story that I'm working on... This isn't the beginning or the end, but rather somewhere in the middle. Those Munchkins might be clever, but sometimes the beginning isn't the best place to start.

Her heavy boots bit into the sand as her path led down the dune into the Valley of the Fallen. Brilliant silver eyes peered out from under the cloth wrapped firmly around her face to keep out the wind thrust sands. She stepped down onto glass; it shattered under her foot. The sun was setting now behind her and the wind tugged hard against her cloak as if to warn her away from this place. A caravan of traders had taken her this far, but not even the bravest man or the stupidest beast would enter these lands. Here the ghosts of a thousands soldiers dwelled forever without rest.
Hundreds of years ago fire boiled up from the sands here. Here mortal men assaulted the gates of Hell themselves, led by the half god Rayne, and they where burned alive. That was a war of greed, and an attempt to wrest power from the jeweled demon Talin’Gagh. The glass at her feet radiated heat unnatural even to the sands of the dessert she pressed on to the center of the smooth class as the fiery sun rested on her shoulders for a moment before plummeting out of sight, and throwing the world into darkness. From her pack Heaven removed a torch and lit it with a whispered prayer crossing her lips. In the darkness the corpses of a thousand dishonored dead had gathered to feed on her living flesh. Holding the torch high above her with her left hand she threw back her cloak and revealed the naked of blade Seran-dal. The curved blade glimmered in the torch light, and Heaven stood her ground. The undead creatures howled out in one voice echoing hundred’s of years of sorrow. One by one they fell to their knees pitifully begging for merciful death.
Seran-dal was royal steel, and a thing that could kill even those beyond the boundaries of death. The corpses ahead of here slithered aside as if a strong wind had pushed them back, but at the moment the night air was deathly still. The corpse of Rayne the half god appeared before her. His mane wreathed in flames he appeared as he did in life: a vision of beauty and strength. His eyes however were empty sockets where maggots could be seen crawling, and then he blinked.
“Who dares come to the entrance of Hell!?” Rayne bellowed. His handsome features unscathed by time, sand, or even death.
“I am called Heaven, daughter of Jorn Prince of the Moon Chariot.” She replied calmly but with a voice that conveyed power. “And, you will step aside.”
“I am Rayne, son of thunder, brother of …”
“You are not a mystery to me dead god!” Heaven interrupted. Unsheathing Seran-dal, she stepped forward mere inches from the towering embodiment of strength.
“Know your place girl, or I will strike you down!” The dead half god said, and the sand beneath their feet shook from the strength of his voice.

She leapt into the air the sand at her feet kicked back into the warm night air as she was carried up as if by magic. The torch left her hand and fell towards the sand. Her boots planted on Rayne’s right knee, but she was already running up the length of his muscular body. His face twitched as she stopped on his shoulder, but that might have just been a trick of the light as the torch hit the ground and extinguished.
Moments later the torch ignited in her hands. The sands all around her were void of the undead corpses of the fallen, and Rayne lay dead at her feet. Ahead a hole in the glass vented hot steam into the cooling night air. Her silver eyes stared into that hole, and she smiled one last time before entering Hell.

Friday, October 01, 2004

A Friend in Pain

I have a friend in pain. She is crying, but no one is listening. I would give up all my love to make her feel just a little more hope. I wish that I could hold her right now, and tell her that everything is going to be ok. Life is suffering, right? One of those four noble truths that you pick up when you start studying Philosophy. It's total crap though when you know a friend is sobbing just out of reach, and all you want to do is hold her close so she can cry on your shoulder.

Sometimes you have to pretend to be oblivious to pain just so you can keep from breaking down yourself. She doesn't know how much I care about her, or that I notice the pain in her blue eyes. She doesn't know that I hope that she will be all that she wants to be, or that I want to reach out to put my hand on hers. We are strangers sitting side by side. One lost, and the other afraid to find the other.

It sucks knowing that one of your friends is sad; even worse when you know that a user is after her. Someone who is looking for nothing more than sex. I've worked my self into a massive drama by reaching out to this girl in the first place. And, the worst thing is that I really don't know all that's going on. Drek I'm in love with this girl, but I don't want to be! I don't want her as a lover, not that she isn't attractive, I just want her as a friend... I've never wanted so badly to fix all of a friends problems before. Rants over... now all I can do is wait.