Sanctuary: The Beginning

"Once upon a time or so they say. There was a time when even I was considered young. My grandfather told me this story as I am telling you this story, and his probably told it to him. Thousands of years ago dragons would dance in the night air; their flames would burn in every color that a rainbow could think of and some that a rainbow could not. Magic was welcome in the heart's of men. It would come as a welcomed guest and leave like a whisper of midnight breeze. Man was both master and servant to the magics that bound the world. Fantastic beasts lived in harmony with humans, which is not to say that humans lived in peace with all of these creatures. Some of these beings hunted humans and others actively hated them. Demons plotted in their cavernous dungeons, and the disciples of light battled them vigilantly. Humans did war with each other and managed to find reasons to war with every other sentient society. Things were not perfect when the shadows came. Have no illusion that we can place the blame of our woes on what happened next.


"This is not a story where I tell you that thousands of years ago things were better. This is a story where I tell you that thousands of years ago things were very different. Things were dangerous outside of the metal cities that humans now feel chained to. Never going out beyond the wastelands of their own creations to the world abroad.

"Listen close young one and I will tell you of when the shadows first came and how they were driven from this world. The shadows first came to this world finding purchase in the hearts of men that were already gripped in darkness. The shadows whispered promises of power and reward if only for a very little thing. Build a doorway from the void into our world. They saw to the construction of the gate through their mortal vessels. Their promises were not false because these vessels never ages while possessed by their guest of darkness. Though their souls may have rotted they never aged and they became leaders of men and knew wealth beyond their imagining. When the gate was opened, they fell dead, unable to see the harvest reaped from their many hundred years of servitude. The shadows destroyed life were ever they went. They were not creatures just of death. They found much more joy in the misery and suffering of humankind than just meaningless destruction."

"But, grandpa! Why didn't the dragons burn them with their flames?" Her green eyes burned with indignation.

"Oh little impatient one. They tried, and they did. The dragons were the first to fall. At least the dragons were the first to disappear but some say they hid their souls in the hearts of men to keep them safe from the shadows war on their kind. That some men bore the souls of dragons like blades inside of them and could draw them out to strike down any foe. These men, who may very well be just the myths of people who wished the dragons had not died, were called Dragonsheathes. That little one is a tale for another time.

"The shadows began killing anything that stood in their way and soon the whole world was shrouded in the darkness of despair. Even in such bleak darkness their was a flicker of hope. Seven warriors rose up against the shadows and against all odds prevailed. Their flicker became a flame and their flame became and inferno as the shadows withdrew back to their gate. Retreating back into the void. The seventh warrior followed them into the darkness and shut the gate behind him so that they would never be able to return. He swore as the gate closed behind him that if the shadows ever threatened this world again. The six warriors would be raised and would drive back the shadows where ever they might be. The seventh warrior would always return at our time of greatest need. He would bear the key and lock these interlopers back behind their gate of darkness."

I'm thinking

These words are to try and work out a way for me to be happy.

I'm not happy. And, I can never seem to make myself happy. It always seems to be the actions of others that make me feel better. A plan that relies on the actions of others is bound to fail. I set a count down to change my life about 3 years ago. That if I couldn't find something to make me happy that I would end things. It's been almost 2 years. I've tried talking to a few people about it and I know it's dumb. But, I really can't take being sad all the time. I can't take being alone all the time. Maybe I need purpose. I need drive. I know these things to be true. Human beings were not built to be alone. We're designed to be more than ourselves. We only really work right when we are functioning for another's benefit. All I need is something small but in it's own right huge. I need someone to think I'm special. To care enough about me that they want to spend a little time talking to me, and a little time curled up with me. All I need is someone to sleep with... and not in the sexual way. I just don't wake up sad when I wake up with someone next to me. I wake up almost every morning wanting to vomit for being so sad. And, what really kills me is the hope of it all. If things were completely hopeless I could make a decision. But, with a hope here... and a hope there... AND ALWAYS THAT HOPE IS PULLED AWAY AT THE LAST SECOND! Leaving me off balance. Leaving me farther down the hole of misery. Instead of pulling my self out, inch by inch. I always reach for the tantilizing golden hand offered to me. Just once I want to be pulled up and free. Was I ever happy on my own? Why can't I find happiness? A plan that relies on others is bound to fail. So... today is for myself.

Hmmm...

Someone asked me why men are so complicated. Because women are simple and men make no sense. I said this:

Men are not quantifiable equations. There is no (a+b)/c=x. Just like women they have so many multilayered facets that they can't be 'got' with the stroke of a key. So, I'm not going to try and explain how men work. Or, how women work. There is no simple formula. And, obviously women want more than to just be the THE. Nothing in life is that simple. And, while you do have guys and gals that are one dimensional, these are not a majority. More like an twisted reflection of what society says we are supposed to be like. There are so many different kinds of men, and so many kinds of women. We like to fit things into easy to understand archetypes.

It would make since that if we turned on a faucet and hot water came out, a second later peanut butter would not spew forth. That is what it feels like when I try to understand women. If you can tell me why women are attracted to guys who treat them poorly. I'll tell you why guys are neurotic messes. The answer to both being... how do you show someone you care when you have to treat them like crap to get them to notice you?

The first thing anyone has to realize. Is that the saying is true. There are no rules in love and in war. People think there are rules. Men and women feel like the other side is breaking the rules. I tell you this, neither side knows how badly they are messing up in the eyes of the opposite sex. I'm not trying to defend men nor damn them. Both sides are caught in a war without rules under the distinct impression that there is something to figure out. The over all answer to all over questions. The real meat of it is: I don't know.

Cold

Comforting limbs embrace me as I step out
Returning before the battle has been fought
Slipping off of me as I breath in broken frost
Beginning of lonely battles destined to be lost

We gather our wounded before the horns boom
A rallying cry to our enemies coming doom
Our dead are buried our injured are bandaged
All retreating is over we find our one advantage

Nothing to lose and nothing left to gain here
Hollow peace dropping burdens and our fear
You have wounded me, chipped away it all
Until there is nothing left of me to withdraw

Nothing left but the resolve of emptiness
Now you will see what is left in our depths
Without any hesitation we are upon you
Like a force of nature we are only a few

You are many but you do not understand
Lacking comprehension of where we stand
We have been whittled down to nothing
Nothing but the blades who lash out to sting

We are both more and less than man
Stripped down to the beast within

You took away our families and we dropped our provisions in our haste
You took away our pride and we dropped our armor
You took away our dignity and we dropped out cloaks beneath
You took away our hope to survive and we dropped our shields
You took away our wanting to live through this and our helms fell to the ground

You gave us this rage and our fist tightens
You gave us humbleness and we stand vulnerable, yet swift
You gave us this humility and we stand naked in the sun
You gave us the power of emptiness and what a gift. It burns with power in our bellies. Threatening to devour us however. However YOU will be swallowed with us into those unholy chasms. Come dance with us and DESPAIR!
You released us from the chains of fear. And our blades flash brillantly in the sun. Naked like us of nothing but resolute solemn death.

Our gift to you will be peace. Absolute and total peace.

Forever.

On Being Crippled

It's not something you think about. You don't think of yourself as not normal. It's not like you were able bodied and suddenly you find yourself weak of limb. Crippled people aren't looking to have doors opened for them nor exceptions made. We are just people. The only time that I even notice that I'm cripple is through your eyes. When you look at me with pity flooding up onto your face. Or disgust.

Why don't I just kill myself so you don't have to look at me and know that not everybody has it easy? So, sorry to inconvenience you with a little thought. Why do I try to be a part of something that I'm not. Talk to women that immediately notice the limp or awkward stance. It's hard to be me when I have these chains of flesh and bone pulling me back down. When you hear my voice you fall in love but when you see me walk you cut things short. Fuck you.

And damn your eyes.

Maybe I would be just like you if I wasn't like this. Maybe I would stare and laugh. Think me something less than who I am. I hope the horse throws you and you choke on that contempt. I am a man and I stand on m own two feet. And, when they put me in a wheel chair I'll still be a man on my feet. And, when I end up alone and dying.

I will be a man.

So, who asked you? Who asked me? My opinion stinks like every one else's. My only hope is that you are so vapid and self centered that you didn't bother to finish these few sentences. That you just hit stumble, or back.... and on you go. Because this isn't for you. This is for me. I'm only writing it for you because I'm tired of writing just to myself.