Why?

Why am I such a fucking loser? Today I woke up with goals in mind. I went around and I got things done. I'm even getting things done now because I told myself that I would write something for this blog. Now I thought I was going to be writing a story of some kind but instead I'm going to rant about how my life sucks. Today I went and did an interview for a job. Truly it's a video store clerk so it's not like it'll be some kind of dream job. But, I need employment now so badly that I would take anything that wasn't hard manual labor and that's only because I couldn't do that if I wanted to. Do, you know why I'm so freaking messed up right now that thoughts of suicide keep exploding in my brain? FUCK! FUUUUUCCCKK!!!

Mid-interview... my interviewer brought up the girl I fell in love with. Saying that her boyfriend cheated on her with that girl. Why the fuck do I need to know this? Of course she didn't know that I cared about her... and why should I be even the slightest bit jealous? I've already lost her.

Why?

Sometimes I don't think I could get any lonelier. But, then I get reminded of a time that I wasn't lonely. Well... a moment really. Why did I have to be happy? I could have just kept being hollow and it wouldn't be nearly as depressing as the lows I feel over someone who said they loved me 2 years ago. Just mentioning her name and that she was with some other guy... and all I want to do is burn the world with the furnace of my hatred. Instead I have to keep it inside and feel it burn me out. Until all that is left is a husk that was my frame.

Why can't I be happy with something simplier? All I want is someone to hold or just someone to care. I normaly try to keep anything personal in my private journal, and truly this isn't really meant for anyone to read. If someone does read this and feels lost or lonely... we're in this together. You'll never be alone because I'm here... and I fucking love you. Also, you can never be found unless you were lost at some point.

Now... I'm going to listen to french pop, eat a twinkie, and watch Sean Astin beat a guy to death with a baseball bat. Hobbit violence makes me less sad.

Thermal Caress

Miri's caress like a blistering wind across my flesh
I recoil, there is no shelter, the wind is everywhere
Lilting voice punctuates my mind leaving me refreshed
Burning away all that is me leaving me naked and bare


She laughs, my armor shatters, stained with blood
Bravely forward into her flames until I finally stumble
My body begins to burn from her touch like dry wood
Embers in my chest burst into flames as I crumble

Her voice is fleeting like a shadow that is chased
Playing in my ears I grasp for it and try to hold on
So that her beautiful words might not go to waste
No matter how I struggle her voice is soon gone


Lost except for her whispers as I come to life
Half forgotten memory of her kissing my cheek
Afterimage of her beautiful face cuts like a knife
Soft kiss of breath across her lips leaves me weak

Voice and laughter fill my stomach, return strength
My burning limbs are healed by her fading memory
Just out of reach I stretch my arms to full length
Your words bring more meaning to my story

While your laughter is a satisfying heavy meal
But. when it is gone, I'm left hungry and empty
Even as a fading memory your taste is ideal
To dine again on your voice or it would be a pity

Ashes

Gazing out into the broken starry fields
Precision of the baton that he alone wields
The symphony rains down towards me
Beauty in the cold night fire is all I see

My sigh breaks the silence of the night
To my dismay a most frightening sight
Conductor's hand cocked threateningly
My stomach began to churn violently

A single note called forth, by his bidding
The Cosmic note of this world ending
Scared and enthralled by the chorus
A chorus of light and of the darkness

I reach for you as the world ignites
Our part ending in celestial lights
My arms press you to my body
Your warmth holds the rhapsody

The fleeting note instead lasts
Staring into your eyes so vast
Feeling your heartbeat against mine
Your touch bends the virtues of time

Earth crumbles around our feet
No force to break where we meet
As the world ends I find a new one
In your smile a new land is begun

Ending breaks upon the two of us
We press closer with each caress
When a world ends we are still closer
Not yet torn apart by fate's composer