Suicide of a Drama Queen

You don't just wake up one day and decide to commit suicide. When I started popping pills I thought it was just because he had dumped me but that's just not the case. I knew when I got into this relationship that it wouldn't last. I even thought about ending it several times over the last year. We just didn't click anymore. It's just the rejection hurts so much even though I know it's the truth. This temporary problem; a flicker of pain in the moment is not the reason I'm doing this. Why my eyes have gotten weary and I can feel all my troubles slipping away. Dying gives you more time to think about your life than you would think.

It all started when I was eight. My plans for suicide that is. I was too young to be depressed but I could tell that a lot of the older people were sad. Old people are always sad and I'm pretty sure that's a rule. Sure you will tell me about how you know this one guy has more wrinkles on his face than teeth in his mouth and he always has a kind word and a near toothless grin for you. I'll tell you that he some times sits at home and cries. With a bottle of sixty proof wiskey and gun cleaning kit. Alcohol and gun cleaning kits never lead to happy endings. They usually lead to an eight year old stumbling into her grandpa's bedroom and finding that most of grandpa's brain matter is drying on the ceiling.

But, that's not where the path ends or even what I'm getting at. Pay attention or you might miss this one.

The present is never all that bad. You can sit there in that comfy chair and look at how things aren't that bad right now. There might be moments of insecurity, fear, anger, or simple annoyance. All these things pass. If you don't have the coping skills, these things just build up. All the stresses of a lifetime weigh down on your shoulders. But, in an instant that moment is gone and it's almost like starting over again. The present is safe.

The past. The future. Those places are dangerous to stay in for very long without feeling the tugs of depression. I don't have that problem. Never have. At least I don't try to linger on the problem for long if I do have it. Or maybe I do. I don't know anymore. I used to think that I had great coping skills but then I find my self focusing on a bad test I had a week ago. Grownups don't make it easier. Their so very sad and they want to make you sad and somber like them. They will tell you all about the responcibilities you'll have to face until you believe them. They tell you how great you have it right now, and how much harder it gets. Well, right now SUCKS!!

I don't want to hear about your golden days or how things were all grand for you back when you were my age. You expect me to believe you when you say that you "know" what I'm going through. Hardly! You seem to think you know what is best for me but how is this even possible when you don't know that the toughest time for me is just a few moments ago and the pain of tommorow. Either you forgot how it was or you just don't want to think about it. You're thinking about how it'll all go away in time, but that's not soon enough.

I want the pain gone now. I want you to know how I'm feeling. I'll make you pay attention to me. I don't want to die but you've hardly given me the choice.

Choices. Certainly there are many ways to commit suicide. Why are there so many ways to off yourself off if we aren't supposed to do it. Human preservation only goes so far; we're bound to blunder into a few of these just by accident.

I can jump off a cliff and feel the air cutting through my clother... fly for a flickering moment. They would see me standing so high and cry out not to jump. I'd laugh at them so far below me like ants and leap to join them. But, I'm a bit scared of heights so that won't do at all.

Hanging myself in my room would send the message. Mom and then dad would come in and see me hanging there and care about me. Attention unwavering. That will show them that I mean what I'm saying. Then again, I got the wind knocked out of me last week. I don't think I want to die like that... with no air in my lungs.

I thought about getting a gun and ending it all in a moment. Then I thought about the mess... like Ewww! It's just not something you want to think about. A little girl finding her Grandfather.

Sleeping pills! Lots of 'em! It's quick simple, and there isn't a lot of mess to clean up. I'll just go to sleep and never wake up. Let the world go on around me, and I can sleep forever. He would cry for me then. Cry for me to wake up and come out again.

I wake with my head acheing and my throat so dry I can't swallow. My eyes are blurred over and I don't want to open them because of my head ache. Damn I see so bright with my eyes closed. I don't dare open them against the brightness. The pain so white in front of my closed eyes. I reach out with a hand to steady myself only to find I'm still lying down. I roll over on my side and the room seems to shift suddenly under me. God no! I vomit. My whole body lurches and spasms. I vomit until the pills I swallowed cover my bed and floor. Suicide on the blanket. Suicide on the floor. Suicide no more.

Rainstorms

It's thundering outside
Tell me if you see any lightning
Thunder comes only then
When the lightning falls
When the rainstorms wander

Sword drawn on cloud top
Flames of heaven split the sky
Burning the world asunder
Little thunder never hurt me
Little thunder never hurt anyone

People scatter in the rain
Leave the world for saftey and shelter
They all find places to hide
I walk through the rain
I walk like I just don't care

Only rain and a little noise
Cool on my bare arms
Peaceful syphony breaks
Stay for a moment with me
Stay for a moment with the storm

Dance in it like they sing
They sing about dancing
Dancing in the rain
Nobody stays to dance with the rain
Nobody stays to walk with me

A Daisy Chain of Love Affairs

I never thought four months ago that we would be like this. She was such a beautiful bride. I had always know she was beautiful, she glowed with an inner fire even during the stressful months before our wedding day. Amanda, my love, the sweetest kiss we have ever shared must have been the one we shared that day. The first of many I think that none other can compare to. The most important kiss of our lives, the one that sealed us together for as long as we lived.

Now the cat walks through the mingled blood on the floor; your blood, the maids blood and the mailman's blood. How did he, poor bastard, get mixed up in all this? I only think I saw the man a few times on scattered Saturdays as I waited for the morning paper. He was a nice enough man, I guess, he asked me about the weather and told me to have a nice a day.

His body was here when I walked in; I did not notice it because of what you were doing with the maid. Ah, the maid, Tota, your dear friend from college who needed a job. We let her keep house for room and board while she worked on getting herself on her feet. She and her gerbil lived in the spare room that would become the children's room.

How did it happen the first time between you two? Did she slip something in your morning orange juice? Or have you been with her all this time? All the time you were with me, perhaps even before as well? I think I would have been fine, maybe even enjoyed the sight of you tangled with her, had you not called out her name. You moaned, "Tota, oh," and I remembered how once before you had said that. That one time with me when you said Todd strangely, I wrote it off then as hair in your mouth. I pulled the strands away and kissed your lips. I remembered at that moment that I heard you cry her name before, I remember, the look of relief that passed across your features as I kissed your lips. That memory, my dearest Amanda, was what made me do it.

I think now I know how the mailman fits in. He was her lover, was he not, Tota's male lover? You always were the jealous type. Tota should have known better since she was your friend, or should I say lover, all these years. She probably thought she could get away with it. Yet you came home early from the gym, hot and sweaty, looking forward to a nice shower with her. You found her in his embrace like I did you in hers, I'll wager. Did she cry out his name and make you wonder if it was him she was thinking of all these times before when she was with you? No, you would not have needed such a stimulus to throw you into a jealous rage. You saw them there on the couch as you crossed from the kitchen to the living room, didn't you my dearest love?

It would have been so easy for one of the knives to find its way into your hand. I can almost hear you screaming obscenities as you stab his naked back as he tries to protect your lover with his body. Noble of him, I guess, but it didn't do any of you much good now did it? If the knife had been longer she would have died too, would she not, my love? As it was your passionate up and down strokes managed to miss her. She must have gotten up and ran to her bedroom. That would explain the splinters in the hall and the broken lock on the door. She begged for your forgiveness and convinced you to put down the knife. You listened, unfortunately. Otherwise, it could have been explained to me as a bugler or a serial killer that broke in and killed Tota, then you killed her killer. It wouldn't have held up to a full scale investigation by the police, but then you could have at least still been alive, my love. Instead of murdered by me in a jealous rage.
After she decided you were murderous no longer she let you in didn't she? You beat upon her in your anger. It was this that I walked in on wasn't it? You beat upon her in your anger and then began to make up in a sexual manner. Your kisses made her lips bleed and your playful scratches tore bleeding lines in the white skin of her back. Did your love bites or his leave those marks upon her breasts? I must have walked in just as she made up to you in a most physical and sexual manner.

You are beautiful darling, even lying there broken on the floor. The red blood contrasts nicely with your white skin and brings out the pinkness of your nipples and lips. You probably would have looked good with red hair as well my love. Here love, let me get that blood off your cheek. What a mess your Todd has made of things isn't it dear? No, don't look away, don't be ashamed of me any longer. Why is it that you cower from me even in death? It was an act of passion! You must know I would have never harmed you while still in my right mind.

Let It Slide

Those men laying on the ground, beaten
Never said that you're a good samaritan
He probably deserved those black eyes
Let's blaim the victim, so no one cries

They lie in pools of blood and urine, stop
No, you just keep driving by as they drop
Someone else can stop to give assistance
Don't you feel their pain, makes you wince

All the babies are drowning in the river
Let's stand around while they get a diver
How is it that nobody got wet, soaked
As the children go under, as they choked

Pull the trigger, blow their brains out
That's you're fellow man, without doubt
You're doing the killing when you neglect
It's all part of the cause and the effect

Wanted to help, or you wanted to hurt
It's not like that, is your vision that short?
Your intentions may all be well and good
Just because doesn't mean you should